dramamamamamama.

fuckit!
i just want a girl with no drama.
who can actually trust me.
and who actually says they love me and actually means it and doesnt turn it on and off when they want.
someone who actually feels the same way i do.
someone who ill actually be proud to call my girlfriend.
find me one and ill love you. and her too. haha.

down the drain.

so i went to ians house yesterday. and i was..flying. and yesterday was a really chill kind of flying. so everyone was hanging out at ians house. and i sat in the corner for an hour and thot to myself about everything and how my life has ended up. like..i thot about everything that has happened to me in the past year, and what my life holds for the future. so the first thing i thot about was how much longer i have in california. really, i only have 3 months. and you know what i realized? im leaving ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING i know to go live in the midwest. where i know NOTHING. i have no connections there at all. i have no friends there. i have no family there. i dont even know what classes im taking and stuff like that. i have no idea where to go for fun. i dont know what im gonna do. but..ima have to deal with that shit for 2 years. :( at least i dont have to be there for 2 years straight. and then i got to thinking how, in 4 months, im not gonna be able to see ANYYy of my friends anymore. everyone and everything i know will be in california, and ill be stuck over there. that hit me like a train. like..you have no idea how bad i felt when i realized that. i still feel horrible. i guess you could say that my worst fear is being alone. i only have 4 months left with the people i love? damn..this is gonna be the best and worst summer ever. :( i hate that. and then i got to thinking about why this all happened. and why im getting sent to hell. i mean missouri. and it all happened because i raved it. yeah. i know that SO many people are gonna say "i told you so." but, i regret raving it. actually, i dont regret that i went. but i regret dropping. if i came home sober, my parents woulda trusted me. and they would have prolly not been mad. but..here i am. for the stupid shit that i pulled. i just need to be more aware of my surroundings i guess? i dno. wow..my throat is so tight. danggggggg this is FUCKING retarted. anyways. so after i thot about that, i thot about what else ive lost. and my mind went to..what do you think. i guess i could say that im over her, but theres a small part of me that still isnt. i dno. its just memories that keep bringing back these feelings that i have for her. it sucks that after all we've been through, we're not even friends. im not sure that we're even acquaintances rite now. when we were together, i remember thinking that there was NO reason in the world that i could think of that would break us up. haha i thought wrong huh? it was cuz i couldnt see her. or maybe i didnt try hard enough? i mean i thought i tried hard enough, but maybe i didnt try hard enough for her standards. and now i have nothing with her. but ill always have hope. but at the same time, ill always be trying to get over her. cuz, no joke, i cannot handle this girl. she is SO amazing. and so mindblowing. and so uncontrollable. and so unpredictable. shes everything that i want. and many things i dont want. she puts the think in unthinkable. i want to understand her, but i cant. and it tears me up inside to hear about her stories and how she goes to other guys' houses and she has fun and blah blah. i dno. shes..okay. ive never said this about anyone. cuz i could never believe its true. but she really is one of a kind. ive never met anyone like her. and it sucks so much that ive lost her. and it sucks even more knowing that theres nothing i could do to get her back. how do you deal with that shit? if you let me know, tell me. then i started thinking about the friends that i do have. my best friends i mean. which was pretty much most of the people in ians room, athma, and david. you know how on surveys, theyll ask you if youve found out who your true friends were? yeah. i found out. and theyve all proved it to me in different ways. and i really wish that i didnt have to leave california. ima miss all of them SO much. :( this group of people are the people that i could be friends with for the rest of my life. theyre "keepers." ahaha. but..yeah. that was a lot to think about i guess for me. and i had a kinda bad ride home. just thinking about everything. and seriously, ive never ever been this sad in my life. just knowing that in a few short months that everything i know is coming to an end is REALLY putting a damper on everything i do. everytime i do something, i keep thinking that this isnt gonna last for that much longer. well, im just gonna enjoy it while i still have it yknow? they say you never know what you got till its gone. ill see if theyre right in a few months.
peace out girl scout.

p.s.
maybe this decision was a mistake. you probably dont care what i have to say. but its been heavy on my mind for weeks now. i guess im just trying to clear some mental space. i would love to talk to you in person. but i understand why that cant be. ill leave you alone for good this time, i promise. if you answer this one question for me. i just wonder, do you ever think of me anymore?

chief rocka.

boom shaka laka. today was tightt. :) well. it started off kinda bad. ahha. cuz in first period, ms dorn was going around the room checkin everyones homework, but i didnt do mine. as usual. ahaha i havent done homework in that class for like 3 months now. and she passes by me and i shake my head. as usual. and shes like "did your parents make you take this class?" and im like "yeah." shes like "yeah you dont even need this class to graduate. its a waste taking this class for you. you could be sleeping at home rite now!" and i was like "i know! i told my parents that. but they wouldnt listen." shes like "oh well. only 5 days left." and i was like "yeah." ahaha. she understands. :) 2nd period was tightttt cuz we read "the 5 people you meet in heaven." its so interesting! go pick it up. i still have to tho. :( we watched a movie 3rd period and i ta'ed 4th period. which actually means i fell asleep for an hour. :) lunch was weird. today was the powder puff game rite? which is girls football for all the slow people reading this. so lisa and saloni werent sitting with us today. ashley left before lunch as usual. david went to go run some "errands" or some shit. i guess thats his code word for sitting with different people. why doesnt he just straight up say that? ahaha. i do the same thing. its not a big deal. well anyways. it was just me, richard, and erik at the spot. sausage fest! eric bretado decided to sit with other people. and sal decided to leave early. so it was just us 3. it was pretty boring. and very homo. richard kept moving my hand on his leg, and i kept putting my legs on richards legs, and erik kept scooping us. dont judge us. this is what we do when we're bored. youre just mad cuz your not as comfortable with your sexuality as we are. anyways, 5th period was downnnnnn. as usual. damn. i LOVE ms chai. best teacher ever. so we watched the beginning of "get smart." you know the movie with steve carell and the rock? yeahhh. :) its funny ahaha. then we played four corners! for the rest of the period! cuz we're geeeeeeeee like that. :D well that ended really quickly. :'( so then i went to the lunch tables where track meets up now. hung out there a bit, talked to some people about missouri, surprised a few people cuz no one knows im still 16 and graduating, and then i called david up to pick me up from school. the powderpuff game was at like 6 yknow? i wasnt about to hang out by myself till 6. so he came. and this nigga had to do a project at saloni's house. wtf? random. so we went to saloni's. and honestly, i was scared to go in there. ahaha. you know why rite? rite. so we got in there, and the first thing i smell is incense. ahahaha. freakin indians. so we go to her living room, and david and her start working on their project, and i just started watching spongebob. so then her mom comes downstairs rite? and she already knows me. so david looks at her and hes like "nice to meet you." and he reaches his hand out to shake her hand. and saloni like slaps her moms hand away rite? and so her moms like wtf? and salonis like "what are you gonna do?" and they start going crazyyy! like not freals. but. just playing around. but they went all out! like. saloni's mom grabbed saloni and like threw her on the couch and got on top of her and started pinching her! and then saloni like slaps her mom upside the head! it was crazy! me and david were like WTF. so then that stopped after saloni surrendered to her mom. psh. cant even fight her own mom. V_V then her bro came in. who apparently hates me rite? thats what saloni said. but he comes in and offers me pizza and a pepsi. wtf? i thot he hated me. >_> so then we left after a while. and we went back to school to see what we were gonna do until 6. we met up peru, andrew, danny, arod, juan, and german, and we all went to peru's house. fucking sausagefest! ahahahha. its all good. just wait till tomorrow. ;) gottagetthat. anywhoo..we got there and david asked peru to train him. peru does like..muy thai and shit? and davids gonna fight this one guy in a week. so peru was gonna train him. so david and peru trained and the rest of us hung out. damnnn those niggas are funny ahahahhaa. it was tight. :) then luis came and was being annoying as fuck. he wanted to go to the game at like 5 just to see his girl. she was playing in the game. wtf? he wants all like..8 of us to go with him just so he could see his girl. nahh. im good. so we went around 6, and watched THEEE most boring game of football you could ever watch. they didnt score until the end of the 4th. -_- damn. it was cold too! i get cold so fast. its not even funny. :( so after the game, we went to the parking lot, and a fight ALMOST broke out between these two guys that were sposed to be good friends. but i guess they resolved it. damn. :( haha. and then my dad picked me up.
all in all, an interesting day.
peace out girl scout.
and OH yeah.
i am FINALLY. done.
letssssssmingle! :)

is god fucking with me?

is he even real? alrite. so check this out.
-i have parents who are all up on my ass about everything. i asked them for a check for 200 dollars for track. which EVERYONE else paid. my mom thinks ima use it for drugs. even tho the check is written to walnut high.
-the one girl that ive loved the most doesnt even associate with me anymore. i dno what i did. but ive lost her. i know this is all cliche and stuff, but its the worst feeling in the world when you love someone and they dont have the slightest bit of interest in you anymore.
-i think that some of my friends are getting sick of me. maybe im just being paranoid? but maybe im not. maybe im getting annoying now. maybe i should just lay low rite? but thats not me. i dont like not being me.
-im not gonna see SO many people that mean a lot to me after june 4th. i dont have a fone to get numbers and keep in touch with them because my parents refuse to give me it back.
-i have acne. and no matter what the fuck i do, that shit wont go away.
and to top all of this off.
-im moving to missouri. i have NO connections there whatsoever. im going to the midwest to a bible college, when i despise going to church 10 minutes away from my house. i dont even believe in god! and yet, my parents think its wise to send me halfway across the country.

so rate my life on a scale of 1-10.
i give it a 3 rite now.

i remember.

i remember when i first met you.
i remember when you called me the next day.
i remember i came to your school the next day.
i remember being nervous.
i remember kissing your eyes. XD
i remember coming to your school the next day.
i remember kissing you for the first time.
i remember coming to your house with anjula.
i remember how awkward it was in the back seat haha.
i remember that nite. ;)
i remember eranga picking me up at 11:45.
i remember asking you out on november 20th, 2008.
i remember one of the happiest nites ever.
i remember missing school the next day cuz i was too tired.
i remember coming to your school again.
i remember our secret spot. ;)
i remember going to your moms school.
i remember going to borders.
i remember getting caught by my mom.
i remember kicking in my door.
i remember you telling me you loved me.
i remember halloween.
i remember being able to come to your school anytime i wanted.
i remember getting verizon.
i remember texting you.
i remember our late night conversations. :)
i remember anjula picking me up and dropping me off at your house at noon.
i remember our 10 minute walk.
i remember you getting your fone taken away.
i remember getting caught by the cops.
i remember thinking that it was worth it. even if i did see you for just a little while.
i remember sitting at vons.
i remember texting you and calling you, wondering when id see you again.
i remember january 16th.
i remember coming to your school to pick you up.
i remember ians party.
i remember the happiest feeling ive ever felt.
i remember thinking that me and you were going to be together forever.
i remember my come down. :(
i remember how much my friends feelings about you were so mixed.
i remember that i didnt care, cuz you made me so happy.
i remember trying to find you a place to crash.
i remember riding with justin back to christians house.
i remember kissing you, getting out of justins truck.
i remember being so worried about you.
i remember how much i didnt want that nite to end.
i remember coming home and texting you.
i remember how nervous you were.
i remember how much we begged justin to drive you to my house.
i remember when he agreed. :)
i remember sneaking out of my house, getting you, sneaking back in, and into my room.
i remember how you were "more comfortable with your shirt on." :)
i remember BB. blue..yknow?
i remember how much we talked that nite.
i remember how much justin wanted to leave. thanks bro. youre a great friend. no joke.
i remember you leaving, and how i was mad.
i remember the next day.
i remember you trying to get home any way you could.
i remember asking my brother to pick you up.
i remember him agreeing.
i remember us picking you up.
i remember how much you HATED that beanie i had on. :)
i remember the nite that i got my hands on "The Dark Knight." Thank you!!!!
i remember getting back home and introducing you to everyone.
i remember my brother being a cockblock and telling me to burn cd's.
i remember finally getting you in my room alone.
i remember when you told me how weak i made you.
i remember how much you made my stomach hurt and how much you made me shake that nite.
i remember "our first kiss at 11:11."
i remember how you showed me how much you loved me. :)
i remember how scared you were! :P
i remember january 17th, still to this day, as the one nite where i was truly happy, and the nite where nothing you could say would bring me down. honestly.
i remember you falling asleep on my hand. :)
i remember you telling me to text you as soon as i walked you to the gate.
i remember leaving. :'(
i remember telling you to come to the front of south hills at 3:00.
i remember flashing EVERYONE just to ask you to winter formal.
i remember getting you a fake rose. not on purpose either. :)
i remember trying to find david a date.
i remember christian asking mely.
i remember david and francesca flaking on eachother.
i remember seeing you as you got out of mely's car, and how beautiful you looked.
i remember how i couldnt get the corsage on rite. :)
i remember the limo.
i remember your half and christians half.
i remember getting that water bottle confiscated. even tho it wasnt open.
i remember matt hookin it up.
i remember dancing with you.
i remember how much you liked the thigh thing. :)
i remember you just wanting to chill and not wanting to dance.
i remember being fine with that. :)
i remember how DOWN you were.
i remember reading you that note.
i remember denny's.
i remember what a burn that was. ahaha.
i remember going back to richards house and freezing my ass off waiting for mely's mom to come pick you guys up.
i remember going to 3 different malls trying to find you a valentine's day present.
i remember us having THEEEE biggest fight on valentine's day.
i remember everything just started going downhill from there.
i remember our parents and my brother getting involved.
i remember getting threats from random people if i continued to talk to you.
i remember your dad telling me that mely likes my pecker. ahhahahahha.
i remember february 15th.
i remember trying to figure how i was gonna be able to see you anymore.
i remember us falling apart slowly.
i remember us actually breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, and now here we are.
i remember those lateeee nights that we spent talking on aim.
i remember going crazy over how i never saw you.
i remember getting so jealous whenever you talked about any guy.
i remember how much i loved you before, and thinking how bad we ended up.
i remember figuring out that not seeing you for over 3 months has tore us apart.
i remember how you keep telling you love me, but dont act like it.
and we've grown so far apart.
i wish we could go back to the top part of this blog.
dang. you make me think wayyyyyy too much.

wow. that all went out the window.

she's bi! ahaha.
i can finally stop now.

danggg its been a while.

how long havent i updated this thing in? 3 days? not sure. sup guys. a lotttttt of stuff has happened in the last 3 days. i dont even know where to start. its 12 pm on sunday. the laker game is gonna start in 10 minutes, but i think im just gonna miss the first quarter to type up all this shit. ahaha. hm. i got new plugs. theyre size 2. theyre black, with a stripe of rasta colors on em. and theyre longggg as fuck. so i only left one long one in there, and then i just put a normal plug in the other ear yknow? i left a taper in the right one, and then in the left one is a normla plug. my left ear is kinda crooked rite? so the long taper looks REALLY weird on my left. so thats why i have a normal plug in there. but its ok cuz the plugs and tapers have the same exact design. it looks cool. :) i got them yesterday when i went to tyler mall with athma. dude, athmas brothers are dicks. my dad told them to wait for 10 minutes, cuz my dad was gonna drop me off at athmas house. and we got to athmas house, and they didnt even wait for like 2. so my dad was all pissed and had to drive me all the way to tyler mall, which is about 20 minutes away for us. so my dad drove me there, and athmas waiting outside for me. cuz hes a g. ahahaha. i think hes the only one outta the whole corona crew who actually still thinks of me as a friend. but anyways, i met him up, and we chilled for like 5 minutes, and hes like dude priscilla's coming. priscilla is this girl that he's talkin to. so i was like dude. you're going to have a date and im the third wheel now. wtf man. hes like nah its all good. and i was like ughhh this is gonna be awkward. so priscilla came. and she was really quiet. so we walked around, and i guess we were talking? not that much tho. well anyways, we went to go eat. cuz me and athma were starving. so we went to the food court, and we stood there for like 10 minutes trying to figure out what to eat. priscilla is so awkward dude! she just stands there and looks around! ughh i hate when people are so quiet. so we decided to get mongolian bbq. shit was goodddd! but athma like. got his food, and hes like im not hungry anymore. wtf? so i was forced to eat all fast cuz they were waiting on me rite? shit. so athma decided to carry his food around until he was hungry again. then we went to hot topic, and thats where i bought my tapers and plugs. 18 bucks for 2 pairs. >_> it was worth it. theyre sick! um..then we went to the movies, and watched angels and demons. i thought that it was AMAZING. but athma and priscilla didnt understand it. i dno. maybe cuz theyre not smart enuff. :P jk. but they left the movie after like 15 minutes cuz they didnt understand it. they left me all alone. :( so i was there watching it. and they came back after like 20 minutes. and they wanted me to explain the whole movie to them. so i did. and they still didnt get it. freaking juniors. even tho athmas older than me. ahaha. so the movie finished, and we went out. and there was this arcade next to the movie theater. and guess what game they had..just guess. alrite ima tell you haha. they had guitar hero!!!! oh man. you dont know how much i jizzed. there was so much snow that santa was there. HAHA. well i only got to play one song. ownedddd it up homey. cuz i am a guitar hero. duh. so after that, we went back outside and started walking back to the mall. priscilla got picked up, and me and athma walked into the mall. we walked around just doing stupid shit. like taking the elevator and acting black in front of black people. it was weird. ahaha. but it was fun. then we went to like every skate shop trying to find 2 pairs of glasses for under 23 bucks. cuz thats all we had combined. :) so we went to tilly's and found a buy one get one half off sale. so it worked out well. we both got glasses. and then we came back to my house. athmas parents came too. and they stayed there till like 1:30 in the morning. i got to use athmas fone so it was all good. i talked to dishani for a longggg time. and i think we tried to sort out everything. and i think we kind of did. we're still not like..on the BEST of terms yknow? but i guess thats understandable. and i think its gonna take a LONGGGGGG time to get back to where we were in like..january. and yes. i know in my other blog that i said that we were actually gonna be done, but you know i bullshit. i cant get over this girl ahaha. so..i dno. ima try to work it out. if it doesnt work this time, then im pretty sure it never will. but me following my heart and not my head, will keep trying to go after her. cuz i cant let her go yknow? i dno. i love her too much to just throw away everyyyyyyything. no matter how hard i try or how much i say i have gotten over her, i dont think i can. and trust me, i tried. anyways..i hope that it works out this time. :( lakers are playing rite now homey! anddd i should be watching them. so im gonna go. ill hit this up tomorrow.
peace out girl scout.
(i love you ex.)