down the drain.

so i went to ians house yesterday. and i was..flying. and yesterday was a really chill kind of flying. so everyone was hanging out at ians house. and i sat in the corner for an hour and thot to myself about everything and how my life has ended up. like..i thot about everything that has happened to me in the past year, and what my life holds for the future. so the first thing i thot about was how much longer i have in california. really, i only have 3 months. and you know what i realized? im leaving ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING i know to go live in the midwest. where i know NOTHING. i have no connections there at all. i have no friends there. i have no family there. i dont even know what classes im taking and stuff like that. i have no idea where to go for fun. i dont know what im gonna do. but..ima have to deal with that shit for 2 years. :( at least i dont have to be there for 2 years straight. and then i got to thinking how, in 4 months, im not gonna be able to see ANYYy of my friends anymore. everyone and everything i know will be in california, and ill be stuck over there. that hit me like a train. like..you have no idea how bad i felt when i realized that. i still feel horrible. i guess you could say that my worst fear is being alone. i only have 4 months left with the people i love? damn..this is gonna be the best and worst summer ever. :( i hate that. and then i got to thinking about why this all happened. and why im getting sent to hell. i mean missouri. and it all happened because i raved it. yeah. i know that SO many people are gonna say "i told you so." but, i regret raving it. actually, i dont regret that i went. but i regret dropping. if i came home sober, my parents woulda trusted me. and they would have prolly not been mad. but..here i am. for the stupid shit that i pulled. i just need to be more aware of my surroundings i guess? i dno. wow..my throat is so tight. danggggggg this is FUCKING retarted. anyways. so after i thot about that, i thot about what else ive lost. and my mind went to..what do you think. i guess i could say that im over her, but theres a small part of me that still isnt. i dno. its just memories that keep bringing back these feelings that i have for her. it sucks that after all we've been through, we're not even friends. im not sure that we're even acquaintances rite now. when we were together, i remember thinking that there was NO reason in the world that i could think of that would break us up. haha i thought wrong huh? it was cuz i couldnt see her. or maybe i didnt try hard enough? i mean i thought i tried hard enough, but maybe i didnt try hard enough for her standards. and now i have nothing with her. but ill always have hope. but at the same time, ill always be trying to get over her. cuz, no joke, i cannot handle this girl. she is SO amazing. and so mindblowing. and so uncontrollable. and so unpredictable. shes everything that i want. and many things i dont want. she puts the think in unthinkable. i want to understand her, but i cant. and it tears me up inside to hear about her stories and how she goes to other guys' houses and she has fun and blah blah. i dno. shes..okay. ive never said this about anyone. cuz i could never believe its true. but she really is one of a kind. ive never met anyone like her. and it sucks so much that ive lost her. and it sucks even more knowing that theres nothing i could do to get her back. how do you deal with that shit? if you let me know, tell me. then i started thinking about the friends that i do have. my best friends i mean. which was pretty much most of the people in ians room, athma, and david. you know how on surveys, theyll ask you if youve found out who your true friends were? yeah. i found out. and theyve all proved it to me in different ways. and i really wish that i didnt have to leave california. ima miss all of them SO much. :( this group of people are the people that i could be friends with for the rest of my life. theyre "keepers." ahaha. but..yeah. that was a lot to think about i guess for me. and i had a kinda bad ride home. just thinking about everything. and seriously, ive never ever been this sad in my life. just knowing that in a few short months that everything i know is coming to an end is REALLY putting a damper on everything i do. everytime i do something, i keep thinking that this isnt gonna last for that much longer. well, im just gonna enjoy it while i still have it yknow? they say you never know what you got till its gone. ill see if theyre right in a few months.
peace out girl scout.

p.s.
maybe this decision was a mistake. you probably dont care what i have to say. but its been heavy on my mind for weeks now. i guess im just trying to clear some mental space. i would love to talk to you in person. but i understand why that cant be. ill leave you alone for good this time, i promise. if you answer this one question for me. i just wonder, do you ever think of me anymore?